Sondheim's "Music"
He always plays out of tune.
He plays too fast and doesn't modulate enough.
He's got like ADD and can't focus on an instrument.
He can't hear intervals at all.
He thinks every instrument is the same.
He thinks every instrument is some kind of drum.
He thinks he's a genius with whatever he does.
He doesn't know how to listen, not even to himself.
He plays the same thing over and over.
He's always showing off.
He's a total fake and doesn't know it.
He's fraud and really doesn't care.
His music has no depth at all.
His music is just a lot of runs.
He repeats the same chords over and over again.
He's melodic ideas are moronic.
When he can't escape he throws tricks in.
He seems to be in love with the minor scale.
His minor scale is always the same minor scale.
He shouldn't be surprised his audience is tiny.
He shouldn't be surprised no one buys his stuff.
He's too embarrassed to look at the audience.
He's always too nervous to play well.
He's always dissonant but he can't hear it.
He can't tell one scale from another.
He thinks he can master just about anything.
His intonation is atrocious.
He can't play at all in tune without frets.
He should put his flute away or sell it.
His repairs are a joke.
He'd be lucky if his instrument's in tune.
He has no sense of dynamics except loud.
He accompanies other musicians like he's deaf.
Someone should take his instruments away.
He huffs and puffs like he's actually working.
He can't really play with any sense of rhythm.
He's either working free or mumbling four-four time.
He's one of the few who has no idea what he's doing.
He plays the most forgettable stuff I ever heard.
He seems to be in love with his own noise.
He can't play anything extended at all.
He's ridiculous for thinking he's important.
He's always thinking he's breaking new ground.
He knows nothing about music.
He doesn't listen to anything except himself.
He's the most arrogant musician I ever heard.
He won't let anyone else touch his instruments.
When he can't play something he just gets rid of it.
He spams Facebook and email lists with his garbage.
He thinks playing fast makes his music better.
He can't read music and doesn't think it matters.
He doesn't know when a peg slips and he's playing.
He gets this pseudo-deep expression when he plays.
He's always trying to play with his eyes closed.
Other musicians run from him.
He's the most desperate musician I know.
He gives music a bad name.
He gives musicians a bad name.
He's a control freak and tries to run everything.
He's lucky if he has an audience of ten.
No one wants to listen to him.
The sooner his stuff is forgotten the better.
